thinking aloud

In July of 2008, I finished my very last graduate school class.  I remember walking out of the double doors and, with the swish as they slowly yet forcefully closed, I let out an exhale of relief and accomplishment.  Yet, as soon as my lungs relaxed, my shoulders tightened.  My thesis.

Although I had been guided through the beginning of my thesis the entire semester, I still had, virtually, the entire paper to write.  And the looming October 1 deadline was just a color change of a leaf, a drop in temperature, and a shift to autumn winds away.  2.5 months to prove myself, show what I had learned, and earn those very expensive letters after my name: M.Ed.

Naturally (for me), I put it off.  August came and went, and September was occupied with starting my first job in the adult world.  I opened up a new classroom in a small Montessori school.  I spent evenings and weekends in my classroom.  I spent nights dreaming about the children.  And, as October was just a page away on my calendar, my books and computer sat cold, untouched.

I have a wonderful ability to be terrified, anxious, and stressed.  I have a horrible ability in actually dealing with these issues to rid myself of these all consuming feelings.  After a quick plea to my supervisor, I was granted an extension to March 1.

Eventually, I wrote my thesis and proudly earned those letters.  But not without significantly more road bumps and delays, all caused by me.  The amount of time I was allotted, one would think that I would be able to finish my thesis long before it was due.  Instead, I procrastinated until sometime in February; at which time I pumped it out over the weekends and submitted it.  And graduated.

When I have issues that loom over me, I avoid.  I procrastinate.  I ignore.  Not because I feel that these problems will go away but because they are often painful, challenging, or downright too irritating for me to address.  Anyone who knows me (or knows better) sees that I can avoid so much stress if I simply handled the deck of cards that I have been dealt.  It is something that I am actively working on.

But at one year shy of 30, I am more stubborn than the day I emerged into this world.  It will take more effort than I often want to give. 

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So, WTF am I talking about and why do I choose to update now?  No reason in particular, other than today is a chilly day in the 40s, J is sick and taking an early nap, and the blog is yet another avoided part of my life.  Each day that passes that I have not updated, more my resistance to update grows.  Today and maybe tomorrow, but maybe not, I'll put that all aside and come share some of my thoughts in this place.  

Is anyone even out there?

(crickets)

More updates on my rapidly expanding waistline, growing baby, new home, yadda yadda, to come soon.

I hope.