Monday, October 29, 2012

because we went there too...

I know we're all sick of looking at adorable kiddos navigating and picking the perfect pumpkin at the patch but I just cannot miss sharing our cute little skeleton monster from this past weekend.  And being that Halloween is only 2 days away...

Down and out!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

our gender reveal

...if you didn't catch it in my last post.

This is how we shared the news!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Stroller Envy

Being a mom is bizarre.

Before I had children, I had baby fever.  I was known, long before my husband and I were married, to walk with friends and comment how adorable babies made me ovulate.  Right then and there.  However, not once did I look at their clothes.  Not once did I glance at the diaper bag.  And pay attention to the brand on their stroller?  Not in a million years.

And then J was born.  Then I was looking.  Scouting out, perhaps, for the most functional and, in the interest of honesty, fashionable stroller.

Living in a particularly affluent neighborhood in our large city, I began to notice that strollers were accessories (just like nannies); a sort of status symbol.  Desperately, I wanted to reject this - but it can be so hard when you're surrounded by these beautiful, almost robot-like, modes of transportation for little beings that sh*t in their pants.  Yes, we're transporting our babes in thousands of dollars worth of equipment, and taking a crap is really one of their few daily priorities.

Pardon the crass nature of the above.  But it is bizarre.

We ended up purchasing a BOB stroller.  $400.  More than my monthly car payment (but not student loan payment, grr).  Thankfully, we received many generous gift cards after J's birth that we hoarded for this purpose.  I wanted a functional stroller where I could exercise and bring him along.  All of the other jogging strollers that I considered buying were, frankly, just as bad as their price was good.  It didn't hurt that BOB strollers were/are highly popular and "fashionable."  And I hate that I admit knowing this.

I am not regretful in the least that we spent that kind of money on a stroller for our little man who still, at 19 months, is satisfied with standing in the corner of a room full of people and taking a crap.  I hope that the resale of the stroller will be such that it makes this purchase worthy of the original cost.  And getting a little exercise here and there (admittedly, this department has been neglected since #2 announced her existence).

But now I need another.  Want.  Need.

J's baby sister, S, is due to arrive late this winter.  And I know, come spring, I'm going to need to get these two out of the house.  With J's rambunctious nature, I know it will become necessary to strap him into a stroller with his sister to keep them both safe (because I keep him tied up in this contraption which is somehow more acceptable to me than putting a child on a leash.  It just is.).

I am in the market for a, preferably used, double stroller.  My eyes tell me I want the Bugaboo Donkey stroller, retailing at over 1k.  But, in actuality, I need something about 1k cheaper.

So, wise mothers out there, do you own a double stroller?  
Have you found one that is highly functional, not particularly hideous, and 

Friday, October 19, 2012

thinking aloud

In July of 2008, I finished my very last graduate school class.  I remember walking out of the double doors and, with the swish as they slowly yet forcefully closed, I let out an exhale of relief and accomplishment.  Yet, as soon as my lungs relaxed, my shoulders tightened.  My thesis.

Although I had been guided through the beginning of my thesis the entire semester, I still had, virtually, the entire paper to write.  And the looming October 1 deadline was just a color change of a leaf, a drop in temperature, and a shift to autumn winds away.  2.5 months to prove myself, show what I had learned, and earn those very expensive letters after my name: M.Ed.

Naturally (for me), I put it off.  August came and went, and September was occupied with starting my first job in the adult world.  I opened up a new classroom in a small Montessori school.  I spent evenings and weekends in my classroom.  I spent nights dreaming about the children.  And, as October was just a page away on my calendar, my books and computer sat cold, untouched.

I have a wonderful ability to be terrified, anxious, and stressed.  I have a horrible ability in actually dealing with these issues to rid myself of these all consuming feelings.  After a quick plea to my supervisor, I was granted an extension to March 1.

Eventually, I wrote my thesis and proudly earned those letters.  But not without significantly more road bumps and delays, all caused by me.  The amount of time I was allotted, one would think that I would be able to finish my thesis long before it was due.  Instead, I procrastinated until sometime in February; at which time I pumped it out over the weekends and submitted it.  And graduated.

When I have issues that loom over me, I avoid.  I procrastinate.  I ignore.  Not because I feel that these problems will go away but because they are often painful, challenging, or downright too irritating for me to address.  Anyone who knows me (or knows better) sees that I can avoid so much stress if I simply handled the deck of cards that I have been dealt.  It is something that I am actively working on.

But at one year shy of 30, I am more stubborn than the day I emerged into this world.  It will take more effort than I often want to give. 


So, WTF am I talking about and why do I choose to update now?  No reason in particular, other than today is a chilly day in the 40s, J is sick and taking an early nap, and the blog is yet another avoided part of my life.  Each day that passes that I have not updated, more my resistance to update grows.  Today and maybe tomorrow, but maybe not, I'll put that all aside and come share some of my thoughts in this place.  

Is anyone even out there?


More updates on my rapidly expanding waistline, growing baby, new home, yadda yadda, to come soon.

I hope.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

A Brand New Life on a Quilt

Due late-winter/early spring!  We are blessed.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

wtf, search engines!

Do you check the traffic sources for your blog?  Are you curious from where and how people connect to you?

Every so often, I am interested in how someone stumbles upon my blog.  Today, this is what I found:

#1.  This makes sense.  I have repeatedly discussed how shocked T and I were are that two brown-eyed, brown-haired parents can create such a blondie with blue eyes!

#2.  Seriously?  My guess is that you were span.ked as a child and you have some sort of se.x.ual dysfunction relating physical pain and puni.shment to plea.sure.  Orrrrr you just read 50 Sh.ades of Gr.ey.

#3.  You are awesome!  I hope that you find the answer to staying at home with your child(ren).  You probably won't find any advice here about how to do that, unfortunately.  You might try a different search such as, "How does a family live off of one salary?" or, "best budgeting ideas."  However, welcome!  Stick around and, hell, start a blog!  Maybe you'll be one of the lucky few who can make money off of this.

What gems have you found in your traffic sources or search keywords?
While I am amused by #2, I must admit that I cannot stop shuddering.

Friday, June 29, 2012

15 months

Shut up.  How did that happen!?  This little person is now 15 months!  He's feisty as hell.  He can throw tantrums like a preschooler, he tosses balls like me a toddler, uses signing to communicate, tries and succeeds at making us laugh, and wears me the f* out!

Sometimes I feel bad looking forward to nighttime.  There are days where I just cannot wait to put him to bed.  On these days, he has either been cranky or rambunctious, defiant or fiercely independent.  And I come to my wits end and pray for evening to come.

But then I lie in my own bed with my laptop or phone and review all of the photos or videos I have of him.  I smile and laugh as my glass fills and runneth over.  I roll over and go to sleep missing him and looking forward to the morning.

Monday, June 11, 2012


Summer has commenced!  Therefore, I insisted J have a true taste of what it means to be a child of summer.  Watching him eat a black cherry popsicle on the back porch may have been equally enjoyable for mama and papa as it was for babe.  Neither the chilliness on his delicate fingers nor the cool drip of the melted juice on his chubby thighs stopped him from loving that treat.  Between licks and bites he would look up and smile up at us.  You're welcome, little boy.  Now you know what summer tastes like.

Sunday, June 10, 2012


Having a child amplifies every fiber of my being.  Every emotion I feel is tenfold to that which I felt before having my fiesty toddler.  

My love, joy, frustration, patience, sadness, heartache, amazement, fear.  I experienced these before my baby entered the world.  Now that he is here, these emotions are all consuming.  I love to the very center of my bone.  I fear to the very ends of my hair.  My heart literally races with joy.

I am almost sick with emotion.  I feel everything. 

Sometimes this is scary.  I almost cannot wrap my mind around being so passionate about another person - both the joys and sorrows.  

It is my goal to always be contented.  Patient.  To recognize the good and the bad.  To let go of control and breathe in experiences.  I want to be.

I cannot keep my child from harm.  I cannot keep him from growing up.  I cannot always cry tears because my love is so fierce.  While I want to experience all of these emotions, I want to also recognize that I am utterly blessed.  I want to be calm, patient, and thankful.

This little man has no idea how much he has taught me.  I do not suspect he will ever know until he has his own babe in his arms.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Yes, baby.

Yes, baby.  You may pick up that stick and jog to the other side of the patio.

Yes, baby.  You may climb up and down the cinderblocks.

Yes, baby.  You may throw that stone.

Yes, baby.  You may dig your nails into the dirt.

Yes, baby.  You may scream at the top of your lungs.

Yes, baby.  You may eat your meal off of our breakable dinnerware.

Yes, baby.  You may jump on your bed.

Yes, baby.  You may rip those pages out of the magazine.

Yes, baby.  You may unpack that entire kitchen cabinet.

Yes, baby.  You may eat with a fork.

Yes, baby.  You may eat what is on my plate, too.

Yes, baby.  You may play in the recycling.

Yes, baby.  You may walk 5 steps ahead of me.

Yes, baby.  You may dunk your head in the pool.

Yes, baby.  I love you.

J is 14 months.  And mostly, he hears a "Yes, baby," from our lips to his ears.

Monday, February 27, 2012

nom, nom, independently

A hugely important part of J's day is eating.  He takes well over 40 minutes to eat each meal.  This is great as I feel that he's learning to listen to his body, feed himself, and develop a healthy relationship with food.

There is a learning curve when it comes to J knowing how to feed himself.  It can be tricky and frustrating for him.  To assist in this learning, we provide him with an opportunity to be independently successful if he is hungry separate from meal time.


While he does not know how to pour himself water, I do place his hands in the appropriate position on his pitcher.  We pour the water together and he drinks from the cup by himself, something we taught him very early on.  (It's a shot glass!  We bought a package of 6 at IK.EA and they are the perfect child-sized drinking glasses).  I also leave some food on the table for him to come and go, eating as he pleases.

By providing him this independence, I am already watching his abilities and confidence soar.  He does not have to scream and beg for food, leaving little room for poor attachment to eating.  This is our goal.

He then practices standing to burn off some calories.  C'mon walking before the first birthday!  Only 3 weeks to go...

Do you provide any opportunities for your child 
to eat & drink independently?  
Have any success stories you wish to share?

Sunday, February 26, 2012

damn it feels good to be a stay at home mom

As of tomorrow, I will officially be a stay at home mama.  Declaring that statement is music to my ears.  However, I will also be a work at home mom for some 8 hours a week.  AND, I'll be going into work 1 day a week.  So I guess I'm a WAHM, SAHM (thank you, ma'am).

I am nervous that I'm not going to be able to juggle everything effectively.  It is so hard to make sure that J receives enough attention, that the house receives enough attention, that T receives enough attention, that I receive enough get the point.  This is a challenge that I am up for, however!  (I'll update next weekend and let you know if I'm eating my words).

J started swimming lessons this week.  Visiting my parents in the middle-south, the heat is unbearable unless you are in the pool - so J has been skinny dipping since 3 months.  He loves the water and will splash, screech, and laugh.  Wanting to capitalize on this, and hoping to thwart the fear of swimming that so many children seem to have, we began classes with parks and recreation.  He will go 2 times a week for the next 4 weeks and, most likely, we will sign up for another class at that time.  Gratuitous baby butt and swim suit shots to come!

Enjoy your Sunday!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

After 11 comes 12

J is officially 5 days past his 11 month birthday.  Meaning we are swiftly encroaching on his first birthday.  FIRST BIRTHDAY!  I shudder and celebrate, cry and sing with joy at our little man.  How does it go so fast?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

call it what it is

So I don't mean to go all Negative Nancy on you again, nor am I someone looking to pick a fight with other parents.  However, let's get one thing straight here: spanking is a cutesy name for beating.

If you spank your child, you are beating him.

I belong to many mother/parenting Yah.oo! listservs.  I think they are phenomenal resources from finding out where to buy a gently used Ci.ty to the best infant swim classes in the area to listening to advice on infant b.m.'s.  <---Yep, I went there.

Recently, a mother sent out a plea to her fellow mothering comrades.  In sum: My 3 year old is batshit crazy.  He won't listen.  I'm out of my mind.  What do I do?

E-mail responses were sent directly to this mother with an anonymous compilation blasted out to the entire group.  I read every. single. response.  Why?  Well, I knew something was going to rub me the wrong way, and who doesn't love a little argument within one's own mind and then a relevant blogpost?  

I digress.

Here is the most stunning, stop in my tracks, find the husband, sit him down on the couch, read and scowl response that I came across:
We spanked/ spank ( typically developing) daughter. (we also have a daughter with Special needs but she is not spank-able YET). When she was younger we spanked a lot more than we do now. We used a wooden spoon and called it Mr. Ugly. We would say, "do we need to get Mr. Ugly?" It was a nicer way in public than saying I am going to spank you or you need a spanking. When we thought she was old enough to be spanked I took her to the store to buy the wooden spoon and explained to her that this will be used to discipline her. We always spanked her bottom (it was hard at times as she would thrash around). you want to make sure that it does sting a little or they won't get the message. This punishment worked works for us. What we have learned is that you have to be Consistent. If you are not consistent then the child will figure out ways to get what they want or get away with bad behavior. you can say over and over.. I am going to get Mr. ugly... ditto ditto.. you have to just do it!I had a harder time being consistent in public. I would take my daughter to the truck and use Mr. Ugly. (yes I had to carry a smaller one in my purse for a while).We took a Dr. Dobson study on Discipline. it really helped us! I do not have many friends that spank. They use time out but feel that this way of punishment has worked for us. http://www.beliefne Family/Parenting /2005/02/ Do-Not-Spare- The-Rod.aspxA funny not... when at friends home and they are using a wooden spoon my daughter was for a while terrified as to why it was out of the drawer and being waved around! :) look mommy... Mr. Ugly..... :)

Wow.  WOW.  Mr. Ugly?  Wooden spoon?  Terrified child?  Under what circumstance does this necessitate a smiley face!?!?

I am deeply distraught by the fact that this parent not only found this behavior acceptable, but adorable!  She even states that they may most likely will use this same tactic with their younger child; a child with special needs no less.  In times like these, I am so thankful that the compilations to such questions are anonymous because it would take all of my willpower not to retaliate on this individual.

Now this is where I ask a question.  
However, none of this is up for discussion in my view point. 
It is what it is: TRAGIC.

How would you respond in such a situation?  
Would it be appropriate to blast out another response to the entire group, 
condemning spanking beating?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

parental intentions

Overheard at the park, a father and his 4(ish) year old son

Dad: Let's go!  We're going to go see mama.  Are you ready?

Son: No!  I don't wanna go home!
Dad: I didn't say we were going home!  I said we were going to see mama.  Don't you want to go see mama?
Son: Whine, bitch, cry, squirm, protest.
Dad: Do you want me to call so&so's parents and say she cannot come over today?  Do you?  Do you?  Because you're showing me you do.
Son: *Shakes head.*
Dad: Fine then, let's go. *grabs hand* You need to be a better boy.  You're not a good boy.

Okay, so maybe there is nothing glaring or overt about what I have issue with.  A father was frustrated that his child did not want to leave the playground (I mean, seriously, are we so surprised?!).  Instead of asking the child if he was ready, the father could have made a statement that they were leaving.  Then, when the child protested, the father had many options but threatening?  Probably not a good motivator, at least not a healthy one.  

My biggest problem, however, is when he told his son that HE is a BAD BOY.  Yikes.  What's the take home message for this child?  Not that his behavior was naughty, disrespectful or negative but that HE as a PERSON is BAD.  While his father certainly did not mean that this child was inherently a bad individual, I'm not so sure a child could make that type of distinction.  In the child's mind, I'm willing to bet he heard, "I am bad."

This conversation is a valuable reminder to me - be thoughtful with your words, even in frustrating times.  With the best of intentions, I recognize that I will not always be able to speak respectfully to J.  However, I will try my darndest to "label" a "behavior" and not my child based on his actions.  In turn, I hope that his self-esteem and self-confidence are never questioned nor negated.

ANNNNNNNND here J is having a blast.

What do you think about this situation?  
Do you think I am being too nit-picky and not giving this father enough slack when it came to a frustrating situation?  
Have you seen any parent-child interactions that rubbed you the wrong way?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Sh*t Crunchy Mamas Say

I'm so embarrassed - 90% of this I relate to.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

too soon

This little girl left the world too early yesterday.  The only comfort in these moments is that she is now pain free and in a much better place. 

Hug your babies and loved ones closer tonight, and send some of that energy out to Paxten's family.

Bless you, sweet girl!

Sunday, January 29, 2012


Now, I'm all for following the child.  We breastfeed on demand, we do not let him cry it out at night, we pick him up and cuddle and respond.  We are committed to not being parents who rush their child or excessively praise him for completing tasks that are developmentally appropriate.  No "good job!" for rolling over.  No "good job!" for learning to crawl.  No "good job!" for learning how to feed himself.  Only "Yes, you're doing it!" or, "You should be proud of yourself!"  Nit-picky?  Probably.  How we're going to continue to parent?  Hell yes.

Here's the dilemma.  WALKING.

J has been pulling himself up to standing since he was nearly 6 months old.  We assumed that he'd not only be walking by 9 months but running!  Well assumptions are just that - ready to be debunked.  Here we are at 10 months and he cruises like a maniac and can stand unassisted when he is distracted.  But walking?  Nope, not yet.

But, man, this boy can bite it!  He can be happily cruising along furniture all lackadaisical.  Then he will remember that he's standing on his own two feet and BAM!  He's not only hit the floor, but his face hit everything on the way down.  2 shiners, my friend, has our child donned in the last 10 months of life.

So no, we will not rush his development.  We will not excessively praise him for things that naturally unfold.

But learning to walk?  In a coordinated fashion?  Sans black eye?  Letting Mama sigh with relief?


Saturday, January 28, 2012

the time we spent $200 on toys

Sometime ago, I discussed the environment we prepare for J.  Based on Montessori principles, we want to provide organized, beautiful toys made from organic material depicting the real world. Unfortunately, this is not always easy to execute.

So much junk is marketed for children.  Without knowing any different, families purchase these cheap, unappealing toys because they are educational!  And fun!  With lights and music!  Our nanny, all with good intention, gave J the ugliest, most hideous piece of plastic that blares inaudible counting and letters.  He wasn't interested in it, to be honest, and it's shoved deep inside our closet.  

If you are anything like me, you frequent many online toy companies to see what is out there.  The affordable toys?  Crap.  The beautiful, handmade, gorgeous toys?  Yeah, no way can we buy those.  As a general rule, I avoid Toys&BabiesAreUhs.  A multitude of useless material is thrown into the face of parents without any purpose or need.  However, upon perusing the toy section online of this company, I found animal figurines made by the company Schleich:

OH. EM. GEE.  While they are plastic (sigh) they are beautiful and well-constructed.  What a great way for J to play, learn language, and be immersed in reality!  I wanted to buy them all but these, too, are expensive and T forced me to stop filling the cart at around $200.  

When the first of the animals arrived, I gave it to J.  Slowly, a huge grin emerged on his face and, using his pointer finger, he touched the nose of the animal.  Clearly, he approves.  He now crawls all around the house carrying one in his hand.  

Lastly?  They're patriotic!  I mean, c'mon.  Look!  A bald eagle!  Perched on the back of a golden retriever!  USA!  USA!  USA!  ( Okay, obviously I did that.  They're not really attached nor do they come together.  I'm just looking for shits and giggles. )

What toys are you comfortable purchasing and giving to your child?
Any amazing finds you wish to share with us all?

These opinions are solely my own and I have not been compensated by any brand or company.  However, I am not above that.  If you want to compensate me for an AMAZING review - let's talk!  :)

Friday, January 27, 2012

10 annoyances with a 10 month old

Oh no, no, no!  
You cannot look annoyed, little boy, for I'm about to list all of the ways that 
YOU annoy ME!

1.  When J is desperate for food, he cries out.  This escalates and I, holding his food just mere inches from his hand, wait until he's finished throwing his fit.  Much, much later, he calms and I hand him the food.  He then throws it on the floor.

2.  4am means it's time to crawl all over Mama while blowing raspberries and yanking hair.

3.  J has a piercing scream, with desperate and hysterical sobs.  Translation: "Pick me up!  Pick me up!  PICK. ME. UP!!!!!!!!"

4.  I pick up said child and he cries out, once more.  Translation: "Put me down!  Put me down!  PUT. ME. DOWN!!!!!!!!"

5. Repeat #3 and #4.  And repeat it again.

6.  Docile baby, playing calmly, crapping his pants.  Gently place him on his back for a diaper change and he immediately needs an exorcism.  While standing on the crown of his head, he barks, screeches, and cries.  All before a wipe gets near him... 

7.  Chewing and nursing.  Together.

8.  Upon cleaning the living room before bed - one book is placed on the shelf by me, 6 pulled off by J.

9.  Smiles and belly laughs for Papa.  Tears and separation anxiety for Mama.

10.  "Graduating" from the spit-up stage, until Mama is out the door for a ridiculously important meeting and is finally looking professional.  "E, you have something?  On your shoulder?"

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Blue-eyed Baby

One of the great joys of pregnancy comes through in the daydreams.  What will our child look like?  Will he have your nose and my ears?  Will he smile like his grandmother or have long toes like his grandfather?

Despite the daydreaming and our knowledge of family dominant traits ("Everyone on our side of the family has a dimple in their left cheek!"), the child rarely looks anything like one could have ever imagined.

Case in point: J.
Eyes - T and I have starkly brown eyes.  J has eyes the blue only seen in the sky on a late-autumn evening.

Hair color - T and I have brown hair.  Mine is a bit lighter and T's hair is quite dark.  J has blonde hair!  (Although, in J's defense, so did T when he was an infant).
Hair texture - All right, clearly this was going to go one way or another.  But I have very thick, fine hair.  T's hair is curly and more textured.  J?  Downy soft and curly.  SWOON.  I am shocked and thankful.  I die over it.

Basically, J is nothing I imagined but everything that makes him a part of us.  And this, my friends, is so incredible.

Were you surprised with the traits that your baby inherited?  
Do you have more than one child? Do they look similar or nothing alike? 
Do tell!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Sleeping Habits @ 10 months

A while back I talked about "STTN" and how it seems to be such a status of excellent childrearing when a baby does this for the first time.  In fact, the earlier he/she sleeps through the night, the better a parent you are!

J is not sleeping through the night.  Unless you consider going back to sleep immediately after nursing or cuddling STTN.  I don't know what I call it other than fine with us!  He goes to bed around 6:30p and wakes around 11p-12a.  Almost always, a gentle back rub or a quick cuddle will pacify him.  He then awakes around 3a and will not go back to sleep without nursing.  He is then up for the day at 6a.

Our interesting living arrangements, with a shared bedroom, make some of our nighttime routines (ahem!) and schedules a little strange.  J goes to sleep on his own bed and joins us in ours anywhere between 2a-4a.  We almost always wake up together.  Being that J is approaching his first birthday and, frankly, getting big enough to be irritating as he kicks, moves, cuddles, talks and yanks hair throughout his slumber, it's about time.  We're slowly trying to encourage him to return to his bed after he awakens.  This is getting easier the more consistent we are.  It's hard, however, to quietly climb into our bed without making too much noise to awaken him ourselves.  This too, needs to change.  (TIME TO MOVE!!!!)

Choosing to put him down on a floor bed gives him a lot of freedom which we absolutely adore.  When he wakes up from his naps, he climbs out of his bed and makes his way to the living room where we are.  Nothing is better than hearing your little man and his hands slapping on the hardwood as he crawls down the hallway.  Then, just as he peeks his head around the corner, he flashes a big, groggy, dopey grin that just slays me!  But nighttime - keeping him in his bed for the duration is something we are still working on.  Perhaps when he realizes he doesn't need to nurse, things will improve.

For now?  We're rested.  We're happy.  HE's happy.  And we're making the right decisions in raising a joyful, inquisitive, secure, and loved little boy.

 "Mama!  I have some important work going on with this TV remote.  
Do not distract me!"

Friday, January 20, 2012

It all

I have not been around lately due to some unforeseen family and life changes.  Blogging fell to the wayside (sorry 'bout it!) but I hope to pick up where I left off...and then some.

  • I quit my job.
  • We fired our nanny.
  • Our student debt to income ratio is...terrifying.  Job changes do not help.
  • As of March 1, I am a SAHM(ish).  I always wanted this.
  • I am a SAHM.  Who wants to make a (happy hour) playdate? 
  • My "baby" is 10 months old.  Double digits accompanied by SO. MUCH. PERSONALITY!
I missed you all.  I hope to reengage in this blogosphere dialogue soon!  Do not fret, I'll photo dump soon.